Where have all the robbers gone?

bank robbers

It’s no wonder that some people are tired of the constant carping and complaining about our banks. After all, they’re only businesses trying to make an honest profit, aren’t they? All of this criticism can’t be helping them to reform their practices.

To try to redress the balance, I’ve got some good news.

It was recently announced that the number of bank-robberies had plummeted in recent years. This is good for customers, isn’t it? They no longer have to be in constant fear of being caught up in a violent robbery while they’re queuing for a hour in their local branch. This decrease in unpleasantness has been caused entirely by actions carried out by the banks. We should be grateful.

First of all, to reduce the number of branches being robbed, they have reduced the number of branches. This is a stroke of genius. The logic has a majestic elegance all of its own.

The clincher, though, was to persuade criminals to stop robbing branches, by providing them with an alternative source of income. It’s much easier for crooks to make a living by carrying out bank fraud. The banks have made it public knowledge that they will do little or nothing to prevent this, so the invitation to criminals is clear.

It’s a win-win situation for crooks. It’s much cheaper and easier for them to siphon off as much as they need by using online banking. Some banks even allow criminals to come into their premises, connect into their systems, and pump out the money directly. There’s no need to employ so many people, as the electronic method is much more efficient. They don’t have to go out in bad weather, or risk meeting nasty people who might shoot them.

Another significant advantage is that there is little or no prospect of anyone going to court, let alone prison. This takes away the need to train up so many new staff, and the expense of nobbling juries. All in all, this has been a civilising episode.

We can see now that we have been misjudging the banks. This initiative clearly demonstrates their new sense of social responsibility. Customers are protected from the violence associated with traditional bank robberies, and criminals are urged into a more acceptable way of plying their trade. Theirs is the latest profession to embrace the ethos of working from home. Of course, bank customers will be paying for all this, but the banks have disguised this so cleverly that they will hardly be aware of it.

I’m sure that you’d like to show your appreciation. Let’s hear you. Three cheers for our noble bankers!


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